The On Deck Circle

Where practice swings don’t exist

The ____-est Players in Sports

Posted by Blake Murphy on February 5, 2008

This article has been submitted by the boy Samuel Cassady aka White Love.

This is an editorial that feeds the wolf. It’s not statistical, it’s not politically correct - it’s probably not correct in any form - and it definitely has nothing to do with the actual art of the game. This article is not about sports, it’s about something better: it’s about the circus!

Sports gives guys (plus a few cool girls) something to think and talk about…other than sex. But what we normally end up talking about when we’re talking ‘sports’ is something far from last night’s scoreboard. Instead, we often end up discussing the side-shows that have combined to create the freak we now call ‘sports.’ Call it a male soap-opera, call it what you want, but here is some commentary that for the most part has nothing to do with sports, here are The ……..-est Players in Sports:

1. The ugliest player in sports:
Sam Cassell: Half man, half alien, and completely retarded looking, Sam Cassel is notoriously hideous. Since the retirement of Tyronne Hill, Cassel has defined ugly for the NBA. He’s the epitome of grotesque, the nauseating of nasty, villain of vile within the entire sporting world! He ugly…

Honorable mention: Mats Sundin, Zach Greinke

2. The pussiest player in sports:
…And all of Toronto (and now New Jersey) unites to declare, Vince Carter: Either Vince always has to take a massive shit, or he’s always in a monumental amount of pain, or, he’s just sport’s biggest pussy. His infamous wince indicating his infinite suffering would be more convincing if he didn’t take so many nights off; Vince clearly plays for money and now that he’s been signed to a new long-term deal he’s the most over-paid jump shooter ever (well, Alan Houston, maybe). Thus, not only is he a pussy because he doesn’t give full effort, but he runs away with this award cause he also has no integrity or conception of team-loyalty. He’s not half-man, half-freak, he’s just half a man. He’s a massive, gushing, drip-down-your-leg bloody pussy.

Honorable mention: Sidney Crosby, Tiger Woods

3. The toughest player in sports:
Alexander Ovechkin: This was easy. I personally don’t enjoy watching hockey, but I LOVE watching Ovechkin play. He’s reckless, scrappy, ultra-aggressive, but also (in my opinion) the most talented player in the NHL. Thugs can’t win this award: it’s not just about being rough (any retard with a stick could collect penalty minutes), you have to be skilled and mentally tough as well. Ovechkin’s got it all.

Honorable mention: Keith Bulluck, Curt Schilling, Brett Favre

4. The sexiest female in sports:
Maria Sharapova: 6′0, blonde, amazingly pretty, athletic, Russian accent….ok, (zip) I’m back now…Enough said? Why are all female tennis players extremely attractive?

P.S. Maria, if you’re reading this, marry me? Please?

Honorable mention: Danica Patrick

5. The ‘white’-est player in sports:
Jon Kitna: Not only is he a Mormon*, (are blacks even allowed to be Mormons??) but he’s also a skin-head, and he’s so incredibly annoying and positive that his offensive line probably enjoys watching him get sacked. Kitna has also been seen to walk with a pretty mean bump in his step, making him just plain ‘bad-ass.’ Thus, for being Mormon, and for trying waaaay too hard to fit in with his black teammates, Kitna is awarded the ‘white’-est player in sports. Cool hat Jon, cool hat.

*Mormons actually believe that Indians’ skin will turn ‘pure’ white once they convert into Mormons, making Kitna even whiter for believing such horse-shit…

Honorable mention: Jeff Garcia (although he’s likely just the gay-est), AJ Burnett, Ray Allen

6. The ‘black’-est player in sports:
Travis Henry: With nine different kids by nine different ladies, Henry knows how to spread the wealth (ie. child support). He’s so good at random impregnation that he can’t keep up with his payments, and this is after receiving a 12 million-dollar signing bonus from the Broncos last off-season. Sporting a pimped out ride, rings on every finger, a kid on every limb, an empty wallet, an attitude problem, a criminal record, and an impending drug suspension, Henry truly is gangstaaaaa.

Honorable mention: Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones, Ray Emery, Chris ‘Birdman’ Andersen, Michael Vick (obviously), every member of the ‘07 NY Knicks - especially the coach

7. The fattest/laziest player in sports:
David Wells: Not only is Wells fat, but he’s also happy to be so, “I drank beer, and I had a career year.” Wells may not be pound-for-pound as tubby as some other gluttons, but he leads this distinguished pack (no, not a 6-pack, David) because he’s so proud of his ample pounds. Oh, and just in case there’s any debate, check out this link. If umps start calling you fat, you know you’ve got a problem.

Honorable mention: LenDale White (hey LenDale, your job is to RUN!), John Daly, Phil Mickelson

8. The rad-est player in sports:
Hanley Ramirez: I’m likely going to get ripped about this selection cause yes, there’s a lot of personal bias here, but hey, it’s my list! And more, Hanley is just sooo rad! He’s got a cool name, he looks sick when he wears those reflective sunglasses in the Florida sun, he’s a young-gun, he’s got a cool accent, and most of all, he plays an awesome exciting style of baseball. He steals bases, can bomb homers and hit for average. If this guy played in New York he’d be one of the most famous young guys in sports. As Blake would say when we’re talking fantasy, Hanley’s got “cool-factor!”

Honorable mention: Alexander Ovechkin (almost won 2 awards), Tracy McGrady

9. The biggest asshole in sports:
Kobe Bryant: Sure, Kobe has raped a girl, but he’ll have to be more convincing to top this list. Oh, wait, Kobe is also a complete dick on the court too! Selfish, arrogant, and just generally unpleasant, I really despise Kobe Bryant.

Honorable mention: Albert Haynesworth, Stephon Marybury

10. The dumbest player in sports:
Terry Bradshaw: quote, “I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid.” I mean, common! I’m glad they didn’t have drug-testing ‘back in the day because Bradshaw must have taken a hell of a lot of crack during his life. Never mind speaking, sometimes the guy looks like the can barely function! Sure, Bradshaw has long since retired from the NFL, but he’s still an ‘analyst’ for Fox so he kinda counts. …how did this man quarterback a Superbowl team???

Honorable mention: Leon Lett (hall-of-fame dumb), Terrell Owens, Ron Artest

Well, that rounds out my 10 ‘The -est Player In Sports.’ We’ve seen pussies (unfortunately not Maria’s), poked at dough-boys, and revealed man-crushes on guys we wish we were. But most of all, we brought together the best, but mostly the worst, athletes in one harmonious exchange of insults and racial slurs. God bless the American media; long-live the freak-show.

This article has been submitted by the boy Samuel Cassady aka White Love.

8 Responses to “The ____-est Players in Sports”

  1. paul o Says:

    this article was absolutely hilarious. loved the bloody pussy comment, obs. however, i disagree with the honorable mention of sidney crosby for pussiest player in sports. he puts up with a lot of shit, more shit probably than any other player and still plays amazing.

    also, he got in his first fight this year and did pretty well for himself. check it.

    notice the blood on ferrence’s forehead. probably period blood.

    if you were to nominate an NHL player for the pussiest player award, an old school pick would be mike bossy of the islanders or a current pick would be matt stajan of the maple leafs.

  2. Samuel Cassady Says:

    I suppose Sidney has toughened up a bit this year…

    The main reason I gave him mention was cause he seems to complain a lot, and like Vince, it’s in a really whiney annoying way that pisses me off.

  3. Snydes Says:

    Hey Sid doesn’t whine anymore!! ever since the boys on the Pens were putting soothers in his bag, locker etc. last yr, he’s been pretty good haha

  4. Anonymous Says:

    lol that was hilarious though

  5. Tieja Says:

    haha i love this article. I do have to agree with the other comments in regards to my boy Sid. i mean he’s a 20 year old kid thrust into superstardom, heading one of the top teams in the league, putting other guys twice his age to shame…ya gotta give the little guy some credit. You defiantly have my vote for the blackest player in the league though. In regards to the toughest player….dion phenuf…come on, you didn’t even nominate the guy! hes a rock. But overall, great article…it’s nice to read an article not based around stats or f-ing fantasy draft picks.

  6. Blake Murphy Says:

    fuck sam, that article is gonna make you the first sports nerd to get laid from a sports article.

    i’d have to disagree with blackest player and nominate Stack Jack (Stephen Jackson) for his overall committment to all things black (guns, reputation, gangs, fighting, money, etc) and not just kids and drugs (every black man has that).

    good article man, and enjoy the rest of these comment blowjobs

  7. Samuel Cassady Says:

    Way to be a cock-block BLAKE.

  8. The Anti-Virus Says:

    I can’t believe Karl Malone didn’t get a mention for Whitest player in sports. He’s definitely no John Kitna but not even an honourable mention? Come on!

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