The On Deck Circle

The unofficial home of Real Talk

Eric Hinske is Going to Kill You

Posted by Blake Murphy on February 7, 2021

Eric Hinske has been signed by the Tampa Bay Rays to a minor league contract, and that couldn’t be worse news for the Toronto Blue Jays. Terms of the deal were not made public (yes they were: $800k if he makes the major league team, plus incentives), but it is a safe assumption that Hinske will be stacking paper to the ceiling, and deservedly so.

He is, remember, a former Rookie of the Year and World Series champion.


So why does this matter here at The ODC, where the Jays reign supreme? Other than the fact that he is “the one that got away” for the franchise, a player they inexplicably gave up on and sent to Boston for peanuts, he is also on the verge of breaking out (again). Hinske is 30, which means he has many good years ahead of him still. He also has a sexy wife who will be able to show off her great fake breasts in the Tampa Bay sun all season, a huge boost to clubhouse morale. Eric is also a fan favorite everywhere he goes, known for his highlight reel defense and clutch hits at all times, not to mention his winning smile.Eric also plays five positions. He has experience at both corner infield and both corner outfield spots, and he can DH like nobody’s business. Hinske gives the Rays a left-handed option off of the bench and could figure in as the everyday DH with a good spring which, let’s face it, is a given. Why am I so confident Hinske can help the Rays? Let’s look to the numbers.

In 2002, Eric won the American League Rookie of the Year award for blasting 24 upper deck home runs, cashing in 84 clutch situation runs, hitting .279 with a .365 OBP, stealing 13 bases, while scoring 99 runs and smacking 38 doubles that were inches shy of being long balls. While Hinske has never repeated this success, it is almost certainly because The Man has worked to hold him down. He has only once played more than the 151 games he played his rookie year, and the Toronto organization purposely structured the batting order so as to give him no protection, making him see a pitcher’s best stuff every at bat. Of course, they had to bring their best stuff anyways, or Hinske would crush it out of the park. Hinske is now a career .255 hitter (which is awesome by Tampa Bay DH standards) and is closing in on 100 career home runs, an event of much more importance than Bonds’ home run record chase (Hinske will eventually shatter said record), and a milestone sure to pack Tropicana Field when it occurs.

While Eric’s numbers declined in the past two years, it is likely because he experimented with things like HGH and Vitamin B12, because he is so dedicated to his craft that he will do whatever it takes to contribute. Eric has since found that God created his body perfectly and he doesn’t need supplements that star cheaters like Roger Clemens, Sidney Ponson, and Fernando Valenzuela use, so he should be back to his 3.5% body fat and strong swinging ways in 2008. Ron Shandler projects Eric’s numbers to be a paltry .255-11-38, but that was on the Red Sox bench and not knowing all I know about Hinske. Shandler also lives in his mom’s basement and has eaten nothing but slightly melted cheese and Triscuits since 1991, so what the hell does he know? I think a more likely projection, assuming the Rays can keep enough runners on base to satisfy the thirst of his mighty lumber, is .280-30-100, superstar numbers indeed.

So why does this matter to Toronto fans? Well, J.P. Ricciardi didn’t realize when he dealt Hinske for nothing (literally) that Eric is a vengeful motherfucker. Last year as a Red Sock (uhh, what is singular for Red Sox?), he relished the opporunity to spurn the Jays, going 5/34 with 3 runs, 3 RBI, a double, a home run and, get this, 4 walks. While the numbers aren’t striking, the four walks indicate that the Jays were obviously afraid to pitch to their ex-star, and the home run was hit 635 feet. The other outs can be attributed to bad calls (the league office instructs umpires to be unfair to Hinske, afraid his superstardom will grow bigger than the game) and to John Gibbons’ Belichick-like taping of Hinske’s batting tendencies, a clear violation of league rules.

This year, the Jays will have to face Hinske 19 times as a Ray. Will Eric be up for the opportunity to crush the team that gave up on him two years too soon? Well, in Eric’s own words,

“I’m going to kill every Blue Jay, especially the pitchers. I hope they have JumboTron attendants ready, because I’m spanking a ball through that shit. I’m going to smash J.P. Ricciardi, punch out John Gibbons, and suplex the hell out of Ernie Whitt. Put the Jays on notice…Eric Hinske is coming for you.”

Clearly, Eric means business in seeking vengeance on us. Thankfully, I am prepared for his wrath. I still have my Eric Hinske #11 Jays jersey, e-mail him frequently to remind him how great he is, and will not sit in the outfield for any game he plays against us for fear of a moonshot homerun exploding my skull.

Roy Halladay is not safe. AJ Burnett is not safe. John Gibbons is especially not safe.

Eric Hinske is going to murder the Blue Jays in 2008.

5 Responses to “Eric Hinske is Going to Kill You”

  1. Na Cidade Maravilhosa Says:

    fuckin hilarious

  2. E Says:

    unreal… Watch out for the Jays killer! To be serious though, it’s a nice signing for the Rays. A guy with decent pop, can play multiple positions and a minimal contract. That kind of guy can help any team.

    That was one of my ODC favorites.

  3. DreamWeaver Says:

    That was soooo funny !

  4. Ocho Beegie Says:

    this article kills me!

  5. Anonymous Says:

    here he comes.

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