A brief preview: “I have absolutely no interest in writing about the Raptors right now. If I did, I would write a Choose Your Own Adventure style column, or a Mad Libs column, similar to the following:

“__(curse word) __ (curse word) ___(curse word) Jay Triano ___ (curse word) defense ________ (curse word) polar bears ________ (curse word) OLIVER MILLER!!!”

And I’m sure everyone reading this has already wrote, spoke, or thought that sequence multiple times in the last few weeks. So instead, I’ve decided to put in just slightly more effort than the Raptors on the defensive end and offer a player-by-player First Quarter Bitch SlapEvaluation. Enjoy, and step back from that ledge, my friend.”

Check it out, and sigh.