The NFL Fantasy Funbox - Wk 3

This is the first Fantasy Funbox of the season.  Now that we’ve got all the authors back we’re able to make this a weekly feature.  Raptor, Gizmo, Geezer, and The Beer Baron let you know which fantasy football players to start this weekend.  We differentiate the Studs from the Duds and the Pimps from the Shrimps.

BEER BARON - Jay Cutler.  Yes folks, he’s bringing sexy back to the city of Denver and gets the Saints D this week, who gave up 29 points to a mediocre ‘Skins offence.  Bank on 350 passing yards, 4 TD’s, and Cutler gaining momentum in the race to being named ‘Diabetes Athlete of the Year’ at the ESPY’s.
Honourable Mention - Trent Edwards

RAPTOR - J.T. O’Sullivan.  All JT did last week was put up 300+ yards and a TD against a solid Seattle defence without using his best receiver, (Vernon Davis,) once.  The Lions defence is brutal and San Fran’s O-Line should outmuscle them all game.  With that type of protection I’d be willing to give it a go with the hot girl on the corner of Main and Higgins.   JT could play this game in his old ’World Bowl XII’ T-Shirt and sandals.  300 yds and 2 TDs.
Honourable Mention - Matt Cassel

GIZMO - Jay Cutler.  Denver has yet to give up a sack this year and is facing a Saints team that gave up 321 yards passing to Jason freaking Campbell last week. With that kind of time, I think I could put up reasonable numbers, so what do you think Cutler will do?  Projected Stats: 320 yards + 3 TDs
Honourable Mention - Eli Manning

BEER BARON - Frank Gore.  You know that feeling you experienced when you found out this past week that Megan Fox had a brief relationship with a Russian stripper by the name of Nikita several years ago? Well, that’s feeling is going to carry on over to this Sunday for Frank Gore owners as he faces the Lions D whose defence pretty much opens up like the Red Sea whenever the ball is snapped. Simply put, Gore 4 Prez, with campaign promises of 150 yards from scrimmage, 2 TDs, and tax cuts for all.
Honourable Mention - Julius Jones

RAPTOR -Reggie Bush.  Bush has looked explosive this year.  With Colston out you know he’s going to get lots of carries and even more looks than usual.  He hasn’t been great between the tackles by the Broncos are the perfect remedy for that illness.  His performance this weekend are going to have Saints fans begging for 4 more years of Bush.  120 combined yards and a TD.
Honourable Mention - Brandon Jacobs

GIZMO - Frank Gore.  Could Mike Martz have resurrected his glory days in San Francisco? As an avid Gore owner I’ll optimistically say ‘YES!’ A leaner, shiftier Gore has ran well so far this year and with Mr. O’Sullivan providing an aerial attack, the field should open up on a Detroit team that is already lacking against the run. In a PPR, gore is an even better candidate to go off this week.
Honourable Mention - Marion Barber

BEER BARON - Terrell Owens.  An unreliable source is confirming that TO has been stealing Romo away from his “3 letr max” nightly Scrabble games with Jessica Simpson to prepare for this huge NFC clash against the Pack this Sunday night. Okay, not actually, but in a game that could turn into a shootout, you can bank on over 100 yards, and at least 1 TD from TO.
Honourable Mention - Randy Moss

RAPTOR -Brandon Marshell.  Marshell absolutely owned Pro Bowler Antonio Cromartie last wk to the tune of a ridiculous 18 catches.  What do you think he’s going to do to the scrubs in the New Orleans secondary?  With his enormous hands the only drop you’ll see in the Broncos/Saints game this weekend is a deuce in Jason David’s pants.  12 receptions for 120 yards and a TD.
Honourable Mention -Plaxico Burress

GIZMO - Calvin Johnson.  With two 100-yard games already under his belt, Calvin should have no problem making it three against the 49ers come Sunday. Roy Williams is fading away and Calvin has taken center stage as Kitna’s favorite target, expect big things going forward.  Projected Stats: 100 yards + 2 TDs
Honourable Mention - Brandon Marshell

BEER BARON -Jeremy Shockey.  Speaking of shootouts, the Saints-Broncos game is an early candidate to rival the Eagles-Cowboys game from this past Monday as most exciting of the year. With Colston out and Shockey having had a couple games to get a feel for the Saints offence, this will be his coming out party Mardi Gras styles in the Big Easy. Prediction: 95 yards, 1 TD.
Honourable Mention - Tony Scheffler
GIZMO’S GRIPE - Let’s face it, Shockey was never, and will never be a premier fantasy tight end. Colston may be out giving him more targets, but that just eliminated any double coverage vs. Colston that would have opened up the field for Shockey. The Saints may get some free yards late when they are trailing, but there’s no way Shockey will be a top five fantasy play this week.

RAPTOR -Antonio Gates.  The big man is getting no love right now  Usually a perennial 3rd round draft choice - Gates fell to 5th/6th rounds in fantasy drafts this year.  It appears that Rivers has taken that next step and is poised to take the Chargers on a run.  Make no mistake, the Chargers are pissed right off and will absolutely hammer the Jets this weekend to get on track.  Gates is off the injury report and it’s time for him to show up.  7 receptions for 100 yds and 1 TD.
Honourable Mention -Tony Gonzalez

GIZMO -Jason Witten.  206 yards in two games would be exceptional for a Wide Receiver, not to mention a tight end. Witten still frequently sees goal line targets so the scores will inevitably come. The matchup versus Green Bay promises to be a high scoring affair and I could see Witten getting another 100 yards and a score in this one.  Projected Stats: 90 yards + 1 TD
Honourable Mention -Tony Scheffler

BEER BARON -John Carlson.  Rumor has it that Mike Holmgren is so desperate for a receiver that he made the flight to Alaska a couple days ago to try to recruit Sarah Palin to be his new downfield threat. Sure, she doesn’t have the experience, but that hasn’t stopped her before. However, Palin rejected the offer, as she was too busy threatening to start a war with Russia, and banning Harry Potter books. Despite Palin’s new decision to avoid being in the spotlight in every facet of American culture, Carlson is more than capable of filling in against a Rams team that simply put, blows. Forecast: 80 yards, 1 TD.

RAPTOR -Maurice Jones-Drew.  Do you remember back in 2006 when the Colts run defence was getting abused as often as Dr. Zoidberg?  Do you remember who was missing?  Bob Sanders.  With Sanders out the next 6 weeks whoever runs on Indy is going roll them like soft dough.  MoJo will get his groove back along with the rest of the Jax O.  120 combined yards and 2 TDs. 

GIZMO - Lee Evans.  Evans has never fully developed into the star that his rookie year foretold, but people often overlook the solid numbers he has put up year after year. His reliance on the deep ball make him the less than desirable boom or bust fantasy play, but this week Buffalo is up against the Raider’s squad that got lit up time after time by Eddie Royal and the Broncos. Trent Edwards has shown flashes of brilliance and see this has a breakout game for my boy Evans… don’t leave him sitting on the bench this week.  Projected Stats: 130 yards + 1 TD
RAPTOR’S REBUTTAL - The reason that Eddie Royal lit it up is because he had a great QB throwing him the ball and he was playing against the overrated DeAngelo Hall.  The only thing Evans will be seeing is a lot of double coverage, a lot of the NFL’s 2nd best corner in Nnamdi Asomugha, and a lot of the sky after Asomugha knocks him on his ass.

BEER BARON -Andre Johnson.  It’s gotta be a couple of tough weeks for Andre 3000 owners. First, the postponement of last week’s game. And this week, he gets the stifling Tennessee D who have been nothing short of exceptional so far. Schaub will be pressured all game, and that doesn’t bode well for the usually reliable Andre 3000. 3 receptions, 40 yards, 0 TDs.

RAPTOR -Earnest Graham.  The Chicago Bears might accidentally kill Brian Griese this weekend.  This game does not bode well for a weak Tampa O.  They will try to run the ball but Graham will get punished.  In addition, the Bears’ red zone D is a lot like Miley Cyris’ chastity belt - No matter how many times you try to pound it in you’re not going to score.  To top it off, Warrick Dunn might steal carries.  20 carries for 30 yards and 0 TD’s.

GIZMO -Braylon Edwards.  Cincinnati’s offense may be in slight disarray, but holding a team to 154 yards of total offense like Baltimore did in Week 1 is still something to be reckoned with. Derek Anderson has not looked sharp and Braylon has more drops than catches this year. Combine that with Baltimore’s defense and it all adds up to another disappointing outing for one of the top drafted wideouts of ’08.  Projected Stats: 50 yards + 0 TDs
BARON’S BEEF - There’s only so many weeks that a premier fantasy wideout is going to be held without at least a TD. Even though Cleveland plays the tough Ravens D, I still think that Derek Andersen feels Brady Quinn breathing down his neck (no homo) and connects with Braylon on at least one big play for a TD, which should net at least 10 fantasy pts for Edwards.

The inaugural Geezer pick of the week is Isaac Bruce.  The Geezer has a fetish for crusty veterans and Bruce fits the mold.  The 49ers are looking to get on a roll and they get to beat on a the lifeless corpse that is the Lions Defence. 

For more visit Raptor’s Blog at
Gizmo’s Blog at

5 Responses to “The NFL Fantasy Funbox - Wk 3”

  1. secret stalker Says:

    Sick post. Raptor really has the goods. I’m definitely starting ma boy JTO this weekend.

  2. Geezer_fan101 Says:

    Why does THE GEEZER only have his one pick of the week? He’s years ahead of these other three clowns not only by his old man looks, but also on his football knowledge. Someone hold his morning prune juice ransom until he decides to man up and take a few snaps and contribute his equal share!

  3. Chuck Dawson Says:

    Everyone thought Shockey was going to be huge last week. And he had like 20 yards. I bet he busts again.

  4. admin Says:

    JTO all the way. Look for Martz to tear up the det defense

  5. Tieja Says:

    Jay Cutler….i’ve been saying this for years

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