Czar James? LeBron Makes Verbal Commitment to Russian Team

First an insider in LeBron James’ inner circle speculated that James would bolt from the Cavs and the NBA if the money were right, suggesting that a deal in the neighborhood of $50 Million/Yr would lure James to the Old Continent in the name of being a global icon (see: Billionaire). Now it has come to light that James has come to terms with EuroLeague regulars PBC CSKA Moscow for a two-year deal once his contract with Cleveland expires in two seasons. While official terms of the deal were not released, it has been suggested that James will be awarded $40 million a season, unlimited use of a private jet, a cameo in ‘Entourage,’ a date with Anna Kournikova and Maria Sharapova at the same time, the rights to the remains of Sputnik 1, a Bengal tiger, an iPhone, and the country of Tajikistan.

(From T-Smiggity)

Holy Showdown, Batman: The Dark Knight to Enter the Octagon

After Patrick Cote recently injured his left hamstring during training for his October match at UFC 90 against Anderson “The Spider” Silva, UFC President announced today that The Batman, the silent protector and watchful guardian of Gotham City, will take a night off from fighting crime in back alleys to challenge the ‘baddest man on the planet.’ While Silva is widely considered the best ‘pound-for-pound’ fighter alive, it is speculated that Batman has trained in every fighting style known to man, in particular specializing in the Keysi Fighting Method. Vegas odds makers are unsure how to account for the Batman’s multiple attacking ranges when considering the betting line for the fight. One thing is for sure: fresh on the heels of his box-office success with The Dark Knight, Batman will be a crowd favorite. “We expect a lot out of this masked hero, whomever he is,” White said.

(From T-Smith)

The End of an Era: Favre Saga Ends with Trade to Aztecs

On Wednesday evening, Fox Sports mistakenly reported that Brett Favre was traded, finally, to the New York Jets for a future draft pick. In truth, the Green Bay icon and Madden coverboy was shipped out of Wisconsin for another franchise quarterback in need of a home: Steamin’ Willie Beamen. Favre was traded for the former third-string quarterback of the Miami Sharks who became a starter after an injury to Jack Rooney and lead Miami to a memorable playoff run, after which he joined the Albuquerque Aztecs, an expansion franchise, whom he eventually lead to respectability. Several unnamed Green Bay insiders have pointed to Beamen’s spotted past and ability to cause tension among staff and teammates. To his credit though, Beamen has never strung along an entire franchise and fan-base for consecutive summers as Favre has…and he is clearly an upgrade over the unproven Aaron Rodgers. ”This is a game of inches,” Beaman said at a press conference, “and I will get the Packers those inches.” He added: “F— Brett Favre!”

Dave Power Signs in Europe

Following the path of many other basketball stars this offseason, “This Is” Dave Power has decided to skip trying out for an NBA squad this preseason. In fact, he’ll be skipping trying out for NBDL, CBA, Intramural, or Men’s League teams, too. The perennial cellar dwellers of the Turkish C-League, Turka Bolka CB, have decided to join the forray signing North American players and have reportedly offered TIDP (lead-off hitter for the Slammin’ Hoes, a legitimate two-sport athlete) a 3-year, $7M Euros contract. The deal is far more money than Power could have expected to make…anywhere…and seems like a lot for a guy who only averaged 10 points and 5 assists in D-8 Cambridge High School Basketball. Even so, this is a sign that even the lowest level Euro teams are ready to pony up the cash for North American players, further fueling speculation that a name like Kobe, LeBron, or Heymans(!) could head to Europe sometime in the future.

Halladay to Bat in Next Jays Start

Frustrated with his teams consistent ineptitude at scoring runs while he tosses gems on the mound (13 runs scored in support in Doc’s 8 losses, 3.79 run support per game overall), Roy Halladay has decided to hit in his next appearance. Slated to throw on Monday against Oakland, Halladay will forgo the DH and bat in the 9th spot in the order. The Jays have received a dismal production line of .215/.320/.370 out of the DH spot this season, prompting Halladay to say, “F— it, if Scutaro can hit 2nd every day, I might as well hit too.”

The ODC and Rogers Communications Strike Deal

After a one month lock on his internet, Rogers Communications has allowed Blake Murphy, editor and writer and operator and God of The On Deck Circle(.net), to resume receiving internet service. While the move was said to be due to an IRC Bot found in a shared family computer, sources say “Uncle” Ted Rogers sent the word through the company to shut it down after several critical comments had appeared on the site regarding the Toronto Blue Jays, another product in Rogers’ portfolio. Apparently all is resolved now, and The ODC will return to normal.

That said…man, the Jays are wicked-awesome!

Barry Bonds to Sign with Slammin’ Hoes

Barry Bonds’ agent has leaked that Bonds is close to signing with Slammin’ Hoes, a Slo-Pitch Ontario Super Series C team, for the upcoming Provincial Finals season. The Hoes, who have performed below expectations this year and lost an outfielder recently, could use the additional pop Barry would add to the lineup, even if it is a defensive risk. Bonds is not expected to play in the Dorchester tournament this weekend, but is expected to join the team shortly after for practices, an SPN tournament, and Provincials at the start of September. The price tag is being kept on the hush-hush, but word is that the team is willing to supply ’supplements’ if Barry teaches John Heymans how to use them properly.

Mats Sundin Signs…Everywhere!

Breaking news! Mats Sundin has signed a contract for the 2008-09 NHL season with the Edmonton Oilers! And the New Jersey Devils! And the Detroit Red Wings, Montreal Canadiens, and Hockey Night in Canada! The deal works as follows:

Sundin will be paid $5.1M by Edmonton to play in their 52 weekday games.

He’ll be paid $2.5M by New Jersey to play in their 18 non-Oiler night weekday games, and for their home playoff games.

He will be paid $100,000 to play for Detroit in the Winter Classic game, and the overtime period of any Game 6 they reach in the playoffs.

He will be paid $1.5M by Montreal and $1M by HNIC to play for the Canadiens on Hockey Night in Canada games, unless they play the Leafs, in which case they’ll pay him $50 a shift.

Finally…his full playoff rights and offseason negotiating rights will be won via a draft-style lottery, with odds being based on success, money, and warm fuzzy feelings.

Sundin is expected to make over $10M and play in over 100 games this year, both tops in the NHL.

Jesse Litsch Loves Fat Chicks

True story.